My Secret

I have a secret.

I’ve kept this secret for about 6 years. 

Why so long? I was embarrassed. I didn’t want everyone to know that I’m not perfect (because as far as you know I’m perfect, right?)

It’s something that I think 9/10 people struggle with.

Weight.

It’s no secret I’ve always been on the heavy side. But once hormones kicked in it got out of control. I entered as a freshmen in high school around 150, senior year I was almost 250.

Now some of you are probably thinking “why didn’t you do something earlier?”

Senior year at my highest

I did. 

Sophomore year I tried South beach diet for 4 months. I kept gaining.

Then we decided to see a nutritionist. She mapped out for me to eat 900 calories a day. 900. Have you ever tried to eat just 900 calories in one day? Try it. That didn’t last long as you can imagine.  But I kept seeing her for about a year, continuing to (slowly) gain weight.

That summer I went to camp Shane (we call it camp shame), it was a weight loss camp. You were given 1000 calories a day and exercised like crazy. A typically person was supposed to lose 10-15lbs in 3 weeks… I lost 3lbs. The director of my age ransacked my bunk because the only way I could not lose weight had to be I was cheating. When she found nothing, she said I must be hiding food somewhere else.  

Then we tried Jenny Craig a few months later; same story. 

Junior year I started Weight Watchers and did that for 9 months, in that 9 months I lost 5lbs.

During this time I was lucky enough to only develop mild diabetes. 

My parents were at a loss. 

Then my mom heard of this thing called a Lap-band. A lap-band is exactly what it sounds like. A band around the top of your stomach, this constricts the stomach so you cannot eat as much, and you don’t get as hungry. 

How the Lap-band looks

We researched and decided to attend an information lecture.

After the lecture we scheduled a consultation. A few weeks later I came back. This was the first doctor’s office I wasn’t judged at. I wasn’t told “it’s all your fault” or that “I just have to work harder.” Since I was 18 and had done several other weight loss programs, insurance would cover the surgery.

At the consultation I met Dr. Robert Pinnar and his PA Paul Marino. While Dr. Pinnar eventually retired, Paul has been with me since day one.  He's the one I saw every visit and who always (and still does) greet me with a cheerful "Hello Kiddo!" (I was one of his youngest patient in the beginning) even if I was not being the most obedient patient. Paul has assisted in everyone of my surgeries, seen me at every visit, and done something not every doctor does. He cares, he cares how I do, not how is stats look or cut patience short because he's running late, he takes the time to get to know each patient as a person.

Paul Marino, PA

A month later I got my lap band.

 With the band there is a port that the doctor can access with a needle to add or subtract saline solution out of the band. Making the band tighter or looser. 

I quickly started losing some weight. As I started to lose some weight, I could start exercising more. Which made the weight come off even faster.

So what was the difference?

I was given a tool that made it possible for me to feel satisfied with a normal (or smaller than normal) size portion. 

You know how you feel when you have to fast for blood work? You’re starving, you feel like you could eat everything and anything, even the table if you need to. Now imagine feeling like that all the time. 

How I felt when I was starving pre- lap band

With the lap-band I was perfectly happy on 700ish calories.

How I felt when I was hungry with the lap-band

When I came home for USU I had hit my goal weight. I was 145 Paul and I agreed that was the perfect weight for me. I was eating well and exercising regularly. 

 

Then I got pregnant.

30ish weeks pregnant

My doctor’s policy for pregnancy was to deflate the band (take out all the saline solution).

So I gained 45lbs while I was pregnant. Which I thought wasn’t terrible, about 25lbs on that was being pregnant. The other 20lbs was Julia indulging on every craving that came.

My lap-band surgeon had closed his practice, but Paul had joined another one. So I went to see Paul, I scheduled a barium swallow (x-ray) to check the lap band. 

The x-ray didn’t look like it should. The band should be at a slight angle. Mine was a flat line and had moved over the stomach. I was told the most likely cause was Kelli kicking and squirming around, apparently this happens to 1 out of 3 patience.

So now what? 

I had it removed. Simple surgery.

Because of my past I was eligible for something else called the Gastric sleeve. Picture that funny circle part of your stomach, they cut that off. This makes the stomach look like a banana or a sleeve. 

How my stomach looks now

This limits you’re food intake, and also removes the hunger hormone (the hormones that make you feel hungry.) Another big plus is you don’t have to go to the doctor as often, with the band you go about once a month, with the sleeve after a year you go once a year for a follow up.   

The sleeve had been used to help patience lose weight to qualify for the bypass surgery. But they were finding that patience who had the sleeve usually didn't need bypass. 

So the bands are no longer being done, now they are doing the Sleeves.

So three months later I got “sleeved.” 

Many Sleevers buy this little pillow as a reminder of the choice they made, and a way to explain to people what they had done.

I feel like I should note, many people asked me if I was scared to have surgery now that I had a child. Weird thing, I wasn’t. I had so much faith in my doctors I didn’t have any fears. 

Because this was my 3^rd surgery at the same hospital many people knew me. I asked the nurse that was taking me back to hold off on the loopy stuff. I wanted to check out the OR.

 I found it so fascinating, I kept asking questions and trying to point (it was too cold for me to really move). Then the scalpels came out and I was quickly ready for the loopy stuff. 

Again the surgery went off with out a hitch. I did have to spend an extra night due to high heart rate. But again, I knew I had Paul behind me so I wasn’t nervous.   

I’m now about 15lbs away from my goal weight.

I continue to be grateful that I could get this tool to help me maintain a healthy life style. Because of this I can be that mom that can run around with her children and that wife that can go on that hiking double date. 

My goal isn't to be a size two and running marathons, I'll settle for being comfortable in my own skin and able to keep up with my little monster, I mean child. ;)

Wild and she knows it

So that’s my big secret. 

Questions and comments welcome.

Costco

Everyone has that one thing, or one place that is like going to a therapist and them fixing all your problems, and you walk out the door with out a care in the world. Depending on your situation going to the store might be cheaper than going to the therapist.

"Tell me what's wrong"

I love Costco.

My happy place.

It's dangerous when I go, but I always have fun and walk out feeling like I just went to church. I think if there was a Costco church, I would join that church.

One of two things always (and I mean 100% in the last three years) happens when I go:

1. I see someone I know and we stand and talk for hours or we walk around shopping and talking for hours.

2. I meet someone new, and we start talking for hours or walk around together shopping for hours.

Last week I went to get one thing (ha!).

I was looking at the baby clothes and saw this adorable swimsuit. (That I of course bought.) There was another mom with her daughter looking at the swimsuits and we were tearing apart the display together looking for the right sizes. 


And we started walking and talking. She was telling me how her husband was getting ready for his third deployment and she was scared their daughter wouldn't remember him when he got back. And then she started telling me how she was trying to figure out moving again (her first time alone and with a baby.)
I just listened, she went on and on about her problems. Somethings I don't think many people would share with a perfect stranger, I guess I look trustworthy?

I asked her if she was affiliated with a church that would be willing to help her move. And then she started crying. In the middle of the frozen food section.

I guess it weren't cold enough since she had a melt down. Get it?!

I just gave her hug. I didn't know how she was going to react. I thought either she would scream or just melt.

And the latter happened. She just sobbed for about five minutes on my shoulder. When her daughter started fussing she sprang up and was very apologetic for making a scene and getting mascara all over my shirt. Like I cared!

She said that her husband was dead set against organized religion. And that since they got married she stopped attending Mass.The past few weeks she had been contemplating going back. But whenever she told her husband he would convince her it was a bad idea. I don't think I've ever seen someone that torn on trying to make a decision. EVER.

She asked what made me ask her that, I stated I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and that helping each other out (such as helping someone move) was done every day.
Which turned into a long discussion of comparing and contrasting Mormonism and Catholicism.
At this point we got some pizza.

I could eat there everyday.

We were both so enthusiastic and curious what the other had to say. This went on for another hour (we were in Costco for three and half hours total).

We said our good byes and went our own ways.

Will she ever go back to Mass? I don't know.
Did she learn anything from this experience? I don't know.
Will her husband learn to accept any organized religion? I don't know.

Let me tell you what I learned:


 I learned to value my faith. I've received help I never would have, and met people that have forever made an impression on me.  It may not be perfect, but what church/religious organization is?

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I learned to value my husband. He may drive me crazy some days, and make me wish I had a shot gun. But he's there for me when I need him and has never left me.

There for me through thick and thin.